A Mary Sue Story
by JMA
Summary: Helena desperately wants to be a Real Original Character, but she has a lot to learn first.
1. Default Chapter

Helena Mirrorburst Potter-Scully Jackson McIntyre Summers had never met a Mary-Sue. Unless, of course, you consider meeting yourself to be meeting a Mary -Sue, in which case, this would discount the next phrase, being that she never lied. But it is difficult to know whether or not you have ever met yourself, or if that even counted. Helena Summers learnt at an early age that it was difficult to please your critics, so we'll say that Helena Mirrorburst Potter-Scully Jackson McIntyre Summers had never met a Mary-Sue, but she sometimes lied.  
  
Although the certainty that she had never met a Mary-Sue, and that she was always honest, was not as strong as it had been at the beginning of the previous paragraph, she was becoming increasingly certain that she was, herself, a Mary-Sue.   
  
She studied her beautiful face in the mirror through her violet eyes. Her waist length blonde hair, which she was currently brushing, fell over her face like a golden shower and there was a giggle from the people who knew what that actually meant. She was the perfect image of a young woman.  
  
"There is no use for it," she said to herself, "I must be a Mary-Sue." Helena had a habit of talking to herself when the author wasn't talented enough to provide information in a more realistic fashion, and she secretly suspected that this contributed to her being a Mary-Sue.  
  
It could be said that Helena was just like other Mary-Sues. She had a secret ambition. But hers was not to save the day, or kiss the boy or be a badly used plot device.  
  
"Oh, how I wish I was a real Original character!" she said, explaining something that could have easily been included in the previous paragraph.  
  
She furrowed her brow in a manner that made stupid people say, "You're so cute when you're angry/determined/constipated," and decided then and there that she was going on a journey to fulfil her destiny. She hoped, and so do the readers, that this journey would strip her of her annoying Mary-Sue traits and blatant stupidity and that her destiny would hold something more interesting than the cheese sandwich that was currently resting on the kitchen counter.  
  
Helena put on her most practical walking dress (a boned bodice and a full length skirt), her most practical walking shoes (which bared a lawsuit-worthy resemblance to the Ruby Slippers from The Wizard of Oz) and set out the door, whistling the theme from The X-Files.  
  
All in all, at least the girl was trying.  
  
Pity Severus Snape didn't see it that way when she demanded, in front of the whole school, that he acknowledge his desire for his most hated student, Harry Potter. 


	2. Adventure in Hogwarts pt 1

Albus Dumbledore looked confused, which everyone else found utterly confusing. They found it confusing because they had rarely seen him look confused, which made some idiot wonder if he looked confused at his own look of confusion. It couldn't be that he was trying to make logical sense of the previous statement, as Albus Dumbledore had realised over a decade ago that logical sense wasn't always the best way to go about things. No sense, logical or not, could be found in the letter he had in his hand, nor the announcement he was about to make, so he looked confused. Helena had this effect on people.

He cleared his throat, looked over the banquet hall, looked confused and looked back at the piece of parchment. It still didn't make sense. "We have," he said in the dazed voice of someone under the confoundus charm that Minerva had already checked for, "a...err..."

He took one final look at the paper to make utterly certain.

"...a transfer student." The end of that sentence, which was obviously a statement, sounded so uncertain, so much like a question, that there would have been a question mark would it not make the reader unsure of who was speaking.

In the Great Hall no one was speaking. To the best of anyone's knowledge this had never happened before. It went against the natural order of things. Not that anyone could figure out why, as surely wizards and witches occasionally moved house and made their children change schools. But, again, to anyone's knowledge this had never occurred before. Severus Snape suspected something, but then, he was the suspicious sort.

An adjective collecting young woman stood up and made a lengthy speech in a cheery voice that would have made That Woman's toes curl, and contained the word 'like' more than grammatically possible.

Ron Weasley, who had hit adolescence like an exploding sack of pheromones thrown against a brick wall that, in turn, exploded nightly over his sheets, said, "She looks kinda hot."

Under the table, Hermione jammed her heel between his third and fourth toe with some force. Above the table she rolled her eyes and said, "She looks like an utter twit."

The Twit was sorted into Gryffindor.


End file.
